Many memories from my childhood have gone with the wind. However, some of them have been deposited as pearls glittering in the river of time. They always remind me of the mistakes I once made, as well as the moments of happiness I once had. The most impressive person in my memory was one of my cousins. I feel guilty for what I had done to her, and I owe her an apology. Let me tell you why.
When I was twelve years old, I went to the countryside during the summer holiday with my mother. Before we left, my mother told me that there was a cousin living there, and she was one year older than I, but she had discontinued her studies at school. I asked my mom the reason why she left school, but my mother only warned me not to mention it to her. With some unanswered questions in my mind, we arrived at our destination where I met her for the first time.
How can I describe her image from my memory? Well, she was a beautiful girl, dressed simply with no ornamentations. She stood there and gave me a kindly smile with sincere eyes. When we got out of the car, she stepped forward to greet me with her hands held out. As she walked toward me, I noticed that she walked with a limp. I was astonished at first, but I properly concealed my mood. She walked slowly but insisted on helping to carry my luggage. Then she showed me the surrounding farmland and introduced me to more relatives. For many days, we picked cotton together and caught fish in the river. She knew a lot about nature, and she taught me a lot of things. I appreciated her very much. However, everything changed when a botanist arrived.
The botanist was admired by all of the villagers in the small town, and my mother wanted me to visit with him. The next day, my cousin and I went to his home. To be honest, I went with some superior feelings in my heart because I still went to school and studied hard, but my cousin had given up. This led to prejudice because I was sure that I had a wider range of knowledge than she had, and furthermore, I felt that she was not as good as I in learning new things. However, when we talked with the botanist, my cousin showed a strong thirst for knowledge. She knew a lot about botany because she grew up in the country. Correspondingly, I was not the more outstanding one, and I felt a little jealous of my cousin and my heart became hardened.
During our visit, the botanist told us about a plant which I had learned about in school. He asked us if we knew about this plant, and I immediately spoke up and said, “I know about this plant, but my cousin may not know. I have learned about it in a textbook, but she has given up on her studies. Isn’t that right, cousin?” I immediately noticed that her face got red and she took on a sad and hurtful expression because I had intentionally made a fool of her. I suddenly realized I had done something wrong and any pleasure that I thought I would feel vanished. From then on, she didn’t say anything else during the visit with the botanist.
After a few more days, my mother and I went back home, and I asked her why my cousin gave up her studies. Mother told me that my cousin was an orphan. My aunt and uncle wanted to adopt a son (it was common in China during that time that women were treated inferior to men), but they decided to adopt a little girl with a lame leg. Because they were not rich, they couldn’t afford the tuition fee to send her to school. So, although she was doing very well in school, she didn’t have the chance to continue her education and pursue her academic dreams.
When I heard this story from my mother, I felt terrible guilt over what I had done, and it weighed heavily on my heart. She treated me as her best friend, but my jealousy and pride caused me to hurt my kind-hearted cousin. Although she suffered many setbacks during her life, she was always joyful and optimistic. Sadly, I haven’t had a chance to see her again so that I could tell her how sorry I was for what I had said and thought about her. However, I heard from my mother that she is now married and very happy.
Today, many years later, I write this story to tell my cousin that I am sorry for what I had done, even though she won’t be reading my story. One day, I’ll pay for my pride and jealousy, but I have learned a valuable lesson to always remember to treat everyone kindly, like my cousin treated me. Finally, I’d like to send my best wishes to her that she would have continued happiness.
Additional Comments – What a touching story as I read it for the first time. I remember writing on her paper that she should try to contact her cousin and either go and see her or write her a letter telling her how you feel, and to ask for her forgiveness. I do not know if she ever did.
Guilt over past mistakes and failures is common to all of us. Believe it or not, having a sense of “guilt” is a good thing, something that God has purposely placed in each our hearts. Why? Because guilt tells us that something is wrong, and more specifically, that we have fallen short of God’s law, as well as His plan and desire for us. The Bible usually calls this sin. But the amazing thing is that the guilt that we feel can be removed once we ask God for forgiveness, and then go to another person against whom we may have sinned, asking for their forgiveness also.
When King David tried for months to keep his adulterous relationship with Bathsheba covered up, he was in terrible shape. Here is what he said about His experience during the “cover-up,”
When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long. Day and night Thy hand was heavy upon me, and my vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer. But then, I acknowledged my sin to Thee, and my iniquity I did not hide; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD”, and He forgave the guilt of my sin (Ps. 32:3-5).
I find it interesting that God not only forgave David’s sin, but also the “guilt” of it. Indeed, acknowledging our sin before God is what we all must do if we are going to be freed from guilt.
But my student also learned some valuable lessons about prejudice, jealousy, pride, and hurtful words, and sadly, each of these “sins” are present among Christians. In fact, James, Jesus’ half-brother, wrote to the church at large “calling out” these sins that were infecting the first-century Church. James wrote, “…if you show partiality and favoritism, you are committing sin….” (Js. 2:9). And, “If you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be prideful and lie against the truth” (Js. 3:14). And then he wrote, “Do not speak against one another or judge them….” (Js. 4:11).
We should all know better than to allow these hurtful sins against other human beings to take root in our hearts. The sins of prejudice, jealousy, pride, and hurtful words need to be “rooted out” of our lives. It begins with the personal recognition of it, and then confession to God and anyone else who may have been hurt by our attitudes or actions. Let’s not continue to carry this “junk” around. We can get rid of it. Humble yourself before God. Tell Him you need forgiveness, and then ask Him for it. He will do what He promised to do. Like David, He will “…forgive your sin and the guilt of it.”
